Family holidays reveal how far you have come on your inner journey
I am on my way back home after spending the holidays together with my partner and my side of the family. Given that we both are neurodiverse, we are re-examining how this year’s holidays went.
It is a familiar conversation.
We visited friends and played board games for two days straight, which was an absolute highlight. We also visited relatives and my side of the family, which was much less highlight-y.
One of the reasons is, that my mum is not the most understanding type. Especially, when it comes to the quirky behaviors that both me and my gf display due to our neurodiversity. No, we don’t enjoy loud music during conversations. And no, everyone talking over themselves and forced servings is not caring and compassionate behavior. It is also not rude to decline the steak when your parents know you are vegetarian and still feel the need to ask.
There is also nothing wrong with not drinking alcohol.
I am sure, there is a generational issue at play, as well. It is hard for members of my parent’s generation to step out of their pre-determined roles as “good parents” or “good hosts”. But it is excruciating and overstepping nonetheless.
Make Sure to Talk About What Framework Is Right for Your Holidays
This is why my gf and I have this conversation. Part of being an adult and creating a life together is doing the work of figuring out what works for you.
Sure your family may have wishes. But wishes are not obligations.
In my family, there is a New Year’s tradition to gather with a large, mixed group of people. This group consists of both relatives and friends of the family. Usually, it takes place in a rented house that can accommodate everyone. We learned last year that this does not work for us.
I participated all the time, celebrating with 30–40 people. But in hindsight, I realized that it stressed me. I ignored my needs and tolerated the stress. My girlfriend does not connect with most people in that group. I also find it increasingly difficult. Our personalities do not match. So we declined this year, and I do not miss it one bit.
As for visiting relatives, we agreed to keep these visits optional. And we will sleep elsewhere. Enjoying coffee and dinner with my parents is okay. Staying with them and gathering in larger family groups is not. The stress far outweighs the joy for all parties involved.
You May Need a Few Tries Before You Find Out What Works
I never used to reflect much on these things. Relative hopping was just an obligation I did not question. I wanted to please everyone. Thinking back, it often amounted to a lot of stress, which took me a long time to recover from. But this is not what the holidays should be for.
You have an innate right to enjoy the holidays. And if that means declining to visit your toxic uncle or skip the huge family dinner, that is okay.
But it takes time to figure this out. And you need to be willing to learn what works, and what doesn’t.
Reflect on your holidays, and think about what and how you want them to change next year. It may take a few tries, but eventually, you can get on your path to create the holidays that work for you and your family.
Feel free to let me know, how you spent the holidays, and what you learned from that experience.
